Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Scared

I've been walking around in a daze since Sunday, afraid to admit to anyone that I'm scared. The bags that haunt my eyes aren't from an unusual lack of sleep but of the worry that stalks me in my dreams. What I have a problem with is mortality. Not my own but that of those I love. I fear being abandoned, orphaned as an adult.

As I talked to my mom on Sunday, I learned my grandmother is sick again, that she is weak. She has been feeling pretty crappy off and on. I think of her age and the reality that she won't always be there. I think of how I won't be able to cope without one of the women who raised me. I worry about my mom who will eventually lose her best friend and near constant companion. I can't stomach the thought of her being alone thousands of miles away but don't think my spirit could handle moving back home. I dream of moving her some place like San Francisco with me and having her nearby.

I think of my mom and think of her mortality. I try to forget the cirrhosis that is slowly signing her death warrant. I think of how we all try to forget this. I feel in my heart that when they abandon me in death I won't be able to go on. I've been afraid to go home this past year because as the years pass I fear that each time might be the last I see them. I miss them and am afraid not to go home because I need to see them.

Right now I'm just scared but have to force myself not to think just to get by.

12 comments:

  1. This is incredibly astute. I feel the same things sometimes in terms of mortality. I'm very sorry to hear of your grandmother's and mother's health problems.

    Even though I'm a few years past being an official adult, I still am not okay with my parents being around, even in theory, to protect me. Best wishes for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Serena, unlike you, I didn't think about these things. I thought my mom was invincible. Just before she died, she did a whirlwind tour of Korea visitng everyone she knew and doing everything she could. She was healthy, active and took pretty damn good care of herself and then she died all of a sudden. It is so hard to lose someone like your mother, it is something that one never gets over, I think. I'm learning to accept that. Take this opportunity to talk to your mother about your feelings. Let her read this blog entry, whatever it is get the communication flowing btwn you two. That will make you feel more at ease about your mortality. I've learn this from my recent lesson with death and vow to live my life to the fullest and say what I need to say right then and there.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and mother, take time to talk to them and tell them how you feel. It'll mean the world to them and you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. amazing post serena. i completely identify with your feelings. last night i read something from my own archives about this very topic, so when i came over to read your site, i realize, again, that we all feel this way. it is impossibly scary. again, i completely identify. here's to peace of mind and the knowledge that we have the strength to make it through even if we can't protect everyone. still doesn't really help...these words.

    ReplyDelete
  4. nice post. I just returned from seeing a lot of my family and the thought of my grandparents dying and my parents is devastating. i looked at my grandfather and knew he didn't have a lot of time left with this part of his life. i put down what i was doing and went over and sat with him for nearly 20 mins. more time then i have spent with him in ten years. we talked about jack daniels and the price of gas.
    best wishes for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't let myself think about things like this or I'll never let anyone out of my sight ever again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Powerful thoughts. I don't think anyone likes to think about these things.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel the same way about mortality. It is completely frighting.

    I am really sorry to hear about your family's health. At the very least your thoughts will urge you to live more fully with them and to not regret leaving things unsaid or undone.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have felt this way. Being there is too hard, but being far away is just as hard. I wish you well and hope you find peace with this.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful post.

    It's funny that when you're little, you get scared of the dark and you live in such fear of the monsters that live under your bed. When you're older, you realize that monsters follow you around aren't so much because of the dark and aren't so much in your bed, rather in your head and at the same time very real.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was walking my dog today and pondering the fact that my mother, who quit smoking for two weeks, has gone back to it again. She's been smoking for 40 years and I worry, worry, worry about her health constantly. I was thinking to myself that I shouldn't linger on the negatives that way. And wondering why it is that I do.

    And then I read your post and realized I'm obviously not the only one.

    I'm sorry about your mother and grandmother and the health problems they're experiencing. Strength and best wishes to you...

    ReplyDelete