Just wait til you see the photos we'll get in Philly!

Ha! I finally remembered to bring the digital camera and can post pics from the tattoo roadtrip. We LOVED this giant skate outside of Bealeton, VA.

With only the fan to keep me company

I'm lying in a pitch black room in a cabin on a lake in New Hampshire.
There is no air conditioning, and it would be effing hot on this 2nd
floor if (1) I hadn't just taken a cold shower and (2) I weren't
directly at the foot of a fan.

I'll have to post pics of this place...it's beautiful. The vision was
briefly marred by a hairy, shirtless man in my party (albeit a nice
man). Vision was helped by a very cute man I've worked with for awhile
and only just now met. No cowboy-like sparks though : )
--radicalflower

I did it!

I successfully got the tattoo yesterday and am so happy with it! And I
didn't die from the pain : ) In fact, it was only mildly
discomforting.
--radicalflower

Hair...a feminist issue or issue of femininity?

I feel really shallow for blogging about hair, but it has been on my
mind since all of mine got chopped off. {Definition: short hair: 1.
can't be tucked behind ears. 2. Neck exposed. 3. Typically considered
boyish or mannish.} Let me state that I have an aversion to short
hair. This aversion applies only to me and not the millions of women
who can look cute sporting a pixie cut a la Meg Ryan and my mom. I
don't like or never wanted short hair on my head. This is why I've had
such a drastic reaction to my latest cut. Of course, me being me, I had
to search for a deeper meaning as to why I am so bothered. What I found
is that I view my hair as an extension of my femininity. Long hair
doesn't make me a woman, but it helped me express just how much of a
woman I was inside. I know this sounds effed up, especially since I was
prone to acts of laziness with my hair. But, no matter how much I
ignored it, it was always there to hide and protect me. My immediate
reaction to the new cut was that (1) I'd have to wear more makeup and
wear it every day and (2) I now had nothing to hide behind. I felt like
some of my femininity had disappeared.

Where does this leave me? Getting a grip on the fact that it's just
hair and that now I have a reason to learn to work a funky new cut.
Maybe I'll learn to do messy. Maybe short hair is femininity, too.
--radicalflower

Woman on the run

I cannot believe that I haven't blogged since Wednesday. It's not that
I've lacked anything to say or am bored with blogging (quite the
contrary). I've just been running around like mad and have the majority
of that time out of town and in the car. Blogging while driving is fun
but dangerous, so I try to avoid it.

You probably don't care what I've been up to, but since my mind is a
little fried, that's what you are going to hear about...

*I spent the day in Richmond for more negotiations on a potential dam
removal.
*Another day of general working my ass off.
*Marathon hair appointment resulting in cool color and a cut that makes
me want to cry. I've never had it this short and am pissed she didn't
follow the picture. I think she gets mad because my hair takes so long
to do.
*A night of drinking and avoiding getting felt up in Fredericksburg.
Fun times in general, but we were missing a couple of people. Allie and
I grabbed a motel room (yay Motel 6) to sleep off the alcohol and were
picked up for breakfast the next morning. After playing in the newly
freed Rappahannock River, I stopped by the tattoo place for my
consultation and to make an appointment. I officially get my tattoo
next Friday and am scared shitless. I put down a deposit, though, so I
feel like there is no going back. Please, please don't let it hurt.
*Another out of town trip today...I spent the day in Chambersburg, PA
and Harrisburg, PA.

I'm tired...gonna run...will pick regular blogging back up tomorrow.
--radicalflower

The Longest Yard

I'm sitting in the movie theater right now waiting for The Longest Yard
to begin. I'm asking myself and know others are also wondering why I'd
be sitting in a theater so late at night on one of my only days off.
I've always contended that sometimes I just crave a little time in a
dark theater. Sometimes it doesn't even matter what the movie is.
So...I'm still left with why. I think I've figured out at least one
reason...I'm giving my mind a rest. Today was a bit stressful...no
details I feel like sharing, just settlement negotiations on a project.
Sitting in a dark, cool theater allows my mind time to wander...to
decompress...to shed all the extra shite and make room for the drama of
a new day. Time to shed.
--radicalflower

What the world needs now...

The Washington Post ran two pieces on Friday that deserve mentioning,
forwarding and debating.

The first piece I came across was a column by Eugene Robinson entitled
'(White) Women We Love'. It was a thoughtful piece of commentary that
used just the right amount of both subtlety and bluntness to shine a
light on one facet of the institutional racism that plagues our nation.
In the article, Robinson examines the fact that out of all the heinous
murders and disappearances that occur only those involving attractive,
young white women get elevated to the national spotlight. I'm sure
Robinson got loads of letters from pissed off folks, but I sent him a
thank you note.

The second article also looks at what I call racism from an entirely
different angle...immigration. In "New Tack Against Illegal Immigrants:
Trespassing Charges", Michael Powell takes a look at cowboy cops gone
amuck in northeast. Evidently, there is this sheriff in this small New
Hampshire town chock full of white folks that has decided he abide by
the number of illegal immigrants living and passing through his county.
When he discovered a group of Ecuadorian illegal immigrants in a van
during a traffic stop, he was appalled that the feds just said to issue
them a ticket and let them go. This cowboy cop was evidently so bent
out of shape that he's trying to use a New Hampshire state trespassing
law to have them deported. Claiming threats of terrorism in a post-9/11
world, this cop attempts to justify his actions with patriotism.
Bullshit. Three pieces from the article sum up my opinion pretty
well...(1) the worry of vigilante justice from a renegade sheriff based
on the color of one's skin; (2) these men weren't terrorists, they were
looking for work; and (3) a quote by a U.S. Immigration official on the
fact that immigration laws were never meant to arrest every single
illegal immigrant. I was further saddened (but not shocked) to read
that FOX News Channel and other people are praising this sheriff for his
actions. Another NH sheriff is already trying to follow suit.

And, seriously, if I hear any of that bs about needing jobs for
Americans, I think I'll scream. As it is you should probably feel lucky
that I'm going to stop here and save my rant about Guantanamo Bay
(subject of a Friday email) for another time.
--radicalflower

Thank you

Today's post is simply a thank you to those who mean something in my
life...

*Thank you for waking me up every morning regardless of the fact that
some mornings I wish you wouldn't.
*Thank you for keeping me sane even when I want to lose my mind.
*Thank you for keeping those I love and cherish close to you.
*Thank you hunting me down when I am missing and for caring enough to
worry in the first place.
*Thank you for always loving me despite my faults.
*Thank you for bailing me out of numerous bad situations.
*Thank you for reminding me that fun is an essential element in
life...not just work.
*Thank you for reintroducing me to music.
*Thank you for keeping me on my toes and aware of the world around me.
*Thank you.
--radicalflower

Another not so wild evening...

--radicalflower

Nail polish in the park and other thoughts on summer

I'll be the first to readily admit that DC has weakened me. The girl who left West Texas on a day when the thermometer hit 111 degrees is about to complain about how "hot" it is. Perhaps I won't complain, but I'm going to at least mention it. The problem is the radical shift in temperature. Just last week I needed a light jacket to fight off a chill. Now even my lighter clothing feels like it weighs 100lbs in this heat. Of course, wearing an inappropriate jacket because you expect the office to be its usual frigid self and having to walk to the art store over lunch doesn't exactly help the problem.

Walking through the park this afternoon got me thinking about romance during the summer. My first thought was how I should only date people in the winter. Ha! I thought of how hot (we're talking temperature here) it is and how I wouldn't want someone rubbing up on me in this heat. Then I passed under some trees offering shade, a breeze hit, and suddenly summer romance looked swell.

I also saw a girl painting her toenails over newspaper.

Book surveys are acceptable...

I love books, so what the hell. In case you're interested, I stole this
from www.goingjesus.com.

Total number of books I own: Hundreds (hey...I work part-time at a
bookstore. What do you expect?!

Last book I bought: Meet the Beatles (a new cultural history of the
group)

The last book I read: Out (a Japanese mystery)

5 books that mean a lot to me: (oh geez) the Bible (duh), The Handmaid's
Tale by Margaret Atwood, In the Time of Butterflies by Julia Alvarez,
House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski, and Geek Love by Katherine Dunn.

2 major books that as a kid I had on me all the time: anything by Judy
Blume and the Sweet Vally Series
--radicalflower

you're the one person I wanted to run into again

Most mornings I come in wondering what the hell I'm going to post about. Birds are chirping; the wind is blowing. Surely everything is right with the world and all of life's a-holes expired peacefully overnight. ...and then my dream ends, and I awake to discover I'm living a more Fire Down Below than Sound of Music. Evidently 16 people (mothers, fathers, grandparents, concerned citizens) were arrested in West Virginia recently for attempting to deliver a list of demands to Massey Energy's Goals Coal Company. What was their problem? They lives and the lives of their children are being threatened by the mountaintop removal mining being done by Massey in their community. The coal prep plant is only 150 feet from the the local elementary school, sending coal dust through the air vents and into their children's lungs. Some 400 feet from the school is a leaking dam charged with holding back 2.9 million gallons of coal waste (mercury, cadmium, arsenic, and other heavy metals). So what does this coal company do? Do they take the demands...hear them out? Hell no...they have these poor (and, yes, they really are poor) people arrested. Read more about what happened here and find a way to help here.

Monopoly on God

No one can claim a monopoly on God; yet, I've felt surrounded by voices
who try this mighty endeavor. I know God speaks through people, but he
doesn't always have to use the bossiest ones. A light touch can be
effective. I also think some people who claim to channel God are being
seriously misled by the force of their own egos. Take Bush...if we
relied on his word, he'd have us believing God wanted us to wage war in
Iraq, cut funding to social services that helps God's neediest people,
and destroy the planet he gave us by falling at the knees of every
greedy corporate citizen. And these are just the things he's been
proactively bad at. Let's not forget the daily struggles of racism and
classism that he often conveniently ignores. I know God speaks through
people, but haven't you ever wondered if he speaks through idiots in
order to show us what not to do?
--radicalflower

Gypsy blood running through my veins

I know I'm a gypsy at heart because the urge to wander the globe is sewn
into the fiber of my being. I've always owned a car for the freedom and
potential for escape from my everyday existence that it offers. I don't
want to own a house because the thought of it seems so
permanent...wedding me to an area. Fly, drive, ride...just take me to
another place and culture. I'm jonesing for another adventure in a
major way right now.
--radicalflower

The end of the evening, part 1

--radicalflower

Excuse me, Miss, you can't fly commando

God's effed up sense of humor struck again this morning. To cap off a
perfect week, imagine me hopping out of bed at 5:33 this morning
realizing I have to get my roommate to the airport for a 6:10 am
flight...a roommate who is also asleep in her bedroom waiting for me to
wake her up. Imagine a crazed scene with me grabbing clothes from the
dryer and throwing them in a suitcase, all the while assuring her that
we can make it and she claiming that this wasn't Amazing Race and that
we wouldn't make it. Imagine me taking 30 mph curves at 80 and speeding
down Reston Parkway running red lights where safe. As I sped into
Dulles Airport only 15 minutes later, threw on my hazards, and swung her
suitcase out of my car, I had a sinking feeling we were destined to fail
in this endeavor (time check: 5:59 am). Long story short...she missed
her flight, and I went to park my feeling like shit for having it happen
and hpong against hope that I wasn't going to have to volunteer to drive
her to Atlanta. She ended up catching a 7:30 flight out that put her in
Atlanta by 9:20...thank god. Of course, as I'm strolling through the
airport I realize how exposed I really am. I had ran out of the house
in nothing but my pajamas and sandals...no bra...no
underwear...nothing. Thank goodness I wore my new pjs!
--radicalflower

evacuations, false alarms...the modern day 'duck and cover'?

I'm getting tired of living in a reactionary, fearful society. Minutes ago both the White House and the U.S. Capitol were evacuated because a small aircraft was headed into restricted air space. As typical of our post-9/11 society, we were gathered immediately in our conference room and briefed on this threat. Evacuation plans began to solidify and it was advised that we all get out fast (I work close to the White House). As terrified people (recently whipped into a frenzy by this news) scrambled about to find rides, gather belongings, and call loved ones, we were reminded to grab our phones, laptops, and of course our face mask and flashlights. I, on the other hand, was left wondering why it all has to be like this. I refuse to live my life in fear. I know we should all be careful and take the necessary precautions, but when will we eventually realize that running to the 'burbs won't necessarily save us. Shouldn't we live right, be good with God, and sometimes stand our ground saying, 'Bring it on.'?

Rape...

Rape has been on my mind a lot lately, and I've been dancing around
posting about this. There are so many things that could be said about
the subject, but I primarily want to talk about my reaction to people,
stories, and things I've read. To sum it up in a neat sentence...I
experience extreme fits of rage when confronted with the horrors we
inflict on others, particularly men on women in the form of rape. And I
do mean extreme anger. It's my reaction I want to focus on, but to do
that, we need to go back to what triggers this anger.

I've always considered rape one of the worst forms of torture and, at
one point, used to think I'd rather die than face that. Looking back I
realize my feelings on this may have always been abnormally strong. I
say abnormally because I don't often hear women near me express as much
outrage as I feel.

This particular post was triggered by a series of occurances in
nonchronological order.

(1) A recently acquired acquaintance (male) seems to have a penchant for
making rape jokes. I don't find this funny and am actually disturbed by
it. I am left without a way to respond. If I actually thought he
himself were a threat, I would do something about it. The problem is
that I think he's basically a nice guy with a few weird personality
quirks.
(2) I also don't know why I subject myself to Law and Order Special
Victims Unit...it always pisses me off.
(3) Then there was the book, The Natashas, about the new sex trade.
Particularly disturbing were reports in the book of abuses perpetrated
by the U.S. military, UN workers, police, etc.
(4) A good friend of my boss was raped about 6 weeks ago and the
roommate of the daughter of the president of my organization was, too.
I felt so much pain for these women...too much considering I didn't even
know them. I still have trouble shaking my boss's friend from my mind.
(5) An article in Ms. Magazine, "Not Women Anymore...", was the straw
that broke the camel's back. The article detailed the rape of millions
of women in the Congo as a weapon of war. It talked of gang rapes of
women...mothers, daughters, children. Of rape that destroyed their
internal organs because they were often raped with objects like
bayonets, branches, etc. It also referenced this as a trend as it
recalled Rwanda and now the Darfur.

I read this last article on a metro ride home and was so enraged that
the site of the men on the train made me physically ill. I wanted them
to hurt the way these women had just because their gender. And this
acquaintance...if I had seen him at that moment, I probably would have
punched him. I've never punched someone in my entire life, but I was
pretty enraged.

I feel like I should end with some big psychoanalysis on why this brings
out so much anger in me and why men rape; however, typing all of this
and dredging up these emotiond has drained me. I'll leave all of this
as something to ponder.
--radicalflower

Pass the cheese please

Ever like those cheesy songs but are embarrassed to say so? On my lunch break I was reminded of two songs I think are hilarious. I love their "get over it" pessimistic attitude. I'm tlaking about Stephen Stills Love the One You're With and Meatloaf's Two Out of Three Ain't Bad. Now, I'm not sure if it's the original Meatloaf version I'm thinking of, but none-the-less, I've included bits of the lyrics to both songs below because I like them and because I want to.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here

And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you, I need you
But-there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Love the One You're With
If you're down, and confused
And you don't remember, who you're talkin' to
Concentration slips away
'Cause your baby is so far away

And there's a rose, in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies, with the dove
And if you can't be, with the one you love
Love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' over good times you had
There's a girl, right next to you
And she's just waitin', for something to do

Turn your heartache right into joyS
he's a girl, and you're a boy
So get it together, make it nice
You ain't gonna need, any more advice

unswerving allegiance

I'm talking about loyalty here. Merriam Webster's defines loyalty as (1) unswerving allegiance; (2) faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due; (3) faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product. My question to you is when does loyalty go to far? As a fairly typical scorpio, loyalty is a core belief and practice. However, I'm beginning to wonder if loyalty keeps me in things that I shouldn't be in.

What led me to this train of thought was an email from a coworker about the potential for a new position with my organization. I've been entertaining thoughts of a web-centered position with my organization but am having extreme feelings of guilt over even the thought of leaving my current program. I feel a loyalty to these people I would have a hard time breaking. Of course, once I started down this loyalty path I began to examine how loyalty plays a role in other arenas of my life. Take working at the Barn for example. Why haven't I cut my hours yet? Because this stupid loyalty thing has me feeling guilty for even thinking of leaving them in the lurch for an h.c. (have to admit a little scorpio power play is involved here, too). And relationships...when I say I've got your back...I've got your back. But is this healthy?

Is there such a thing as being too loyal?