Monday, February 12, 2007

Someone is shitting on my rainbow

I hate that life is difficult sometimes. Why do we have to continue to be pushed to "grow" by traversing the difficult landscape of life? I want sunshine, rainbows and cupcakes all the time. I want life to be emotionally easy.

My mom leaves a voicemail on my phone yesterday afternoon that says not to call that night because my grandmother is back in the hospital and that she won't be home until late. That's it. The heifer says nothing about why my grandmother is in the hospital or not even a clue as to the seriousness. It's not like she's some distant relative I never see. This woman raised me right alongside my mom. I consider her part of my parental unit.

She's been weak and sick lately, a bad bout of arthritis taking its toll on her body. I feel useless being so far away and unable to do anything. Even worse is that I feel the fucked up part of me distancing myself from her emotionally because I fear the hurt that will inevitably come when she is gone. I worry about my mom who has to deal with this all on her own.

I want a pity party where I just sit in a corner and cry but know that will do no good. I have to do the standard and at least appear to be strong. Aren't I allowed to be weak for anyone?

5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry things are rough right now. Let me know if there is anything I can do. I have my fingers crossed that everything will be alright.

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  2. I'm sorry. Just know that you'll be in my thoughts and I hope it'll be ok. I haven't talked to my grandpa in awhile because I'm afraid too. My parents went to see him last year and I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew it would be the last time. :-/

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  3. :( I'll think good thoughts!

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  4. I'm sorry...I hope that the circumstances of the hospital visit aren't serious. I can understand the frustration you feel. Not knowing what's wrong. But also knowing that she hasn't been feeling well. *hugs*

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  5. Anonymous4:43 PM

    Mom called me also. She said she was having trouble breathing, and at first the doctor thought it was pneumonia, but then after further tests they decided they don't know what it is. The mentioned blood clot and complications from half of a lifetime of smoking as possibilities. I would just as soon not know anything. I prefer to be completely in the dark, because there is nothing that I can do, and the harsh reality of life is much more than I can stand.

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