Tuesday, November 30, 2004

A snippet of new fiction by raven_ous1278...

Let me know if you like it, and I'll see if he'll give me more to post...

Dusk rolled swiftly into night and the pale moon flirted aimlessly among the clouds dancing in and out of sight teasing the watchful eyes of on lookers below. In full glory it cast an eerie silver hue about us as we walked hand in hand, my warmth flowing into her and hers into mine. Avoiding all care of the world around us seemed to be the most important mission of the evening. We wrapped ourselves in each others presence hoping only for this moment or the next to last forever. Nothing lasts forever. I recall now the sounds of the world around me, the shallow river rolling over stone, the breeze that tossed about the trees above. The cold night air caused her cheeks to flush, and she stopped, drew me in close to feel the warmth of my body. Her breathing was swift and shallow, and as we touched I could feel her heart beating swiftly even through her sweater. I loved that sweater. She laid her head against my chest and wrapped her arms around me, her auburn hair just above my chin flowing gently in the breeze. The scent of berries and spices overcame me and at that moment I felt alive.

I felt her tug gently and pull her head back, resting her weight in the cradle of my arms. She looked at me and a smile came. She had a lot of different smiles as many of us do, both devious and stern, sad and contemplative, warm and forgiving, but this smile was mine and only mine, I saw it on occasion and it filled me with warmth every time, it was real not forced, it was emotion, it was love and it was just for me.

She took a step back, now grasping my hands in hers and I could quickly feel the warmth drain from them as they were embraced by the wind. She looked into my eyes and I looked into hers and I was suddenly compelled to speak. The words “I love you” came only seconds too late, for at that moment as I drew my breath; she spoke, “I love someone else.” Nothing lasts forever.

The rush of emotions that followed need not be mentioned in full for they are far too many to list and it would read like a chapter of Numbers in the Bible; sadness beget depression, depression beget pity, pity beget anger, so on and so forth. Let’s just say I was overwhelmed. I would like to say at this point I was shocked, that I hadn’t seen it coming, that I was blindsided by this obvious act of malice. That of course would be untrue; there are always signs that point to such things, pointing to the “inevitable” as I like to call it.

Monday, November 29, 2004


Ahhh...a long weekend with lots of sleep on Thursday and Friday. I love sleep. I skipped the traditional Thanksgiving activities (i.e., eating) and spent the day at the movies. My fave of the day was Finding Neverland (so good). It was a magical movie that reaffirmed my love for Johnny Depp, reading, and holding onto a youthful spirit no matter your age.

It's been a week (or almost) since I mentioned the crush, so I don't feel too bad about drafting a wee post on the subject. Said crush still continues to say all of the right things...it's disturbing. However, I have a very real grasp on the fact that this is simply a fantasy of mine that keeps me occupied and will never come to reality. I don't need to read He's Just Not That Into You to figure that out. Besides, I'm looking for a guy who can approach me properly. I'm waiting for someone who's bold enough to step up to the plate and lay it on the line. And...I've finally discovered two flaws...ha! His reading material (which was an original positive, since he actually decided to read one of my favorite books and really liked it) has become a current negative. The last book he read was a bestseller I can't mention b/c it might narrow down who he is. This could actually cut both ways...he's sensitive and sentimental or he's into sappy bestselling novels (what does that say about him...wow, I sound like the book snobs that get on my nerves). Unfortunately, I can't mention the second flaw because that could totally give away his identity to some. (A...I'm ready to reveal but not via blogland or at BN.)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Thank you...

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow and the likelihood of me actually posting is slim, I thought I'd share with you a few things I'm thankful for. Everytime I start to get down about the way things are going, it's nice to reflect on how good I actually have it.

I'm thankful for...

1) ...the way God continually saves my ass. His love keeps me strong.
2) ...an awesome family that, even though we may all have our quirks and have a little trouble sharing our inner thoughts, loves me unconditionally.
3) ...friends that have my back.
4) ...a warm, cocoon-like bed and a good book.
5) ...people who are willing to stand up and fight to make a difference.
6) ...Diet Coke.
7) ...my soul mate. I know you're out there.
8) ...the jobs I have and the peace they give me.
9) ...rainy days...a cool breeze...and fresh mountain air.
10) ...bubble bath.
11) ...Thailand and Taiwan. What an amazing experience! I'm not sure I would have found myself as quickly had it not been for these two places.
12) ...Shiloh Baptist Church.

Monday, November 22, 2004

I swear I'm not always this lame.

Ok, I promise that this will be my last blog about this topic for at least a week. I didn't start blogging to talk about boys, and I don't want it to seem like that all I care about (it's really not). But...I am seriously crushing. I mean...it's painful...it makes me ache (ok, not quite in the way your dirty, dirty mind is taking you). Every day I find out some new bit of info that makes him seem more and more perfect, and so, of course, I start getting more and more skeptical. I mean...it all has to be an act, right? Anyway, in addition to my skeptical mistrust of others kicking in, so does the self doubt. I'm not "cute" enough...I'm too fat. Do I think these things should matter? No. Do I believe them every day? No. Is that stopping me from thinking them now? No. See how self-absorbed this post is? Anyway, did I mention I'm seriously crushing on someone?

Friday, November 19, 2004

Monday, November 15, 2004

Am I in over my head?

November is a crazy month, and I'm beginning to stress. Sometimes I feel like I'm swinging from a rope that is dangling from a helicopter flying over a cliff...and my hands are sweaty. Am I trying to do too much only to fail at everything? I have to ask myself why I feel the need to work two 40-hour jobs when I could keep one full-time job and be content to sell a few books at BN a couple of days a week. Why do I continue to stress myself by taking a lead position when I could just ride it out? In my *free* time this month, I still have to (1) study for and take the GRE; (2) finish my personal statement for grad school; (3) meet some major deadlines at AmRivers that I'm not motivated to meet; (4) work with Tyree to prepare a long-term funding plan for Victim to Victory and somehow manage to lobby and secure a new line-item in the approps bill through Rep. Moran; (5) finish a 50,000-word novel for NaNoWriMo; and (6) sleep. Right now, I'd just be happy to accomplish #6 and have all but failed at #5.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Are we all destined to follow?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how it seems many of us need to be so like others. More specifically, this post was spurred by the buzz about red and blue states going on all around me. Why is this now the latest craze in labeling? Red and blue this...red and blue that...red state jokes. It's driving me crazy! The trend continues with food. Why do people eat at chain restaurants when they visit new places? Given the opportunity, I'd rather eat bad food at someplace new than bore myself to death with the same old thing. And shopping...why is Old Navy or Abercrombie and Fitch so cool? Because they dress everyone the same! I thought I was above the fray. Being fat, I could always use the excuse that I had limited places to shop; however, the other day I discovered well-designed fleece in my size. I bought this fleece because, yes, it's soft and warm but mostly because it's what practically everyone at AmRivers wears and would allow me to fit in better. I realized at the time this was why I was doing it and was deeply ashamed...yet I still walked out of the store with my fleece. I really don't want to be like everyone else.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Moral authority...is it just for the republicans?

WARNING--I'm going to rant here, and I'm going to talk about religion. If these bother you, you may want to stop reading here.

I've been scanning various articles and reading emails zipping back and forth at work talking about virtual hugs and how religion and morals won Bush his re-election, and to tell you truth, I'm so freaking sick of it. Virtual hug...give me a break. We need to get up off of our sappy liberal butts and DO SOMETHING. I'm Christian. I try to live a moral life. And, I'm liberal and tend to vote democrat. Abortion and gay rights are not the only issues that matter or SHOULD matter to people claiming to vote the moral high road. What about looking for a candidate who actively works to help the poor and homeless, develops policies that promote sound stewardship of the planet, seeks creative solutions for foreign policy that don't involve war, looks at tackling the civil rights abuses happening all over our country rather than eroding our individual freedoms (God gave us free will...who is the president to take it away?)...? I have to stop because the more I write the more drained I get. Democrats need to co-opt a bit from the republicans and start talking about their issues in terms of doing what's morally right.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Aged like a fine wine...not!

I've been doing the election thing and the sick thing for the past couple of days but was going through blog withdrawal.

Going through this election and reading everyone's blog posts is really making me feel my age. Lots of people voting for the first time in a presidential race...poor hopeful souls. Sad to believe it's my 3rd presidential race to vote. And, while I am as anti-Bush as they come, I can't say I'm shocked. Very sad though--I allowed myself a glimmer of hope when I saw the high election turnout. One credo I know to be true is to never underestimate the stupidity of the American public. For the most part, we are not a country of free thinkers. We think and vote the way we were raised and the way our communities want us to. I forget the statistic, but one's political leanings are largely determined by the political leanings of one's parents. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be stopped in order to affect real change in this country.

I spent most of election day in this weird, sad reminiscent state. I couldn't help thinking about election night four years ago...the night I began to lose my idealism. Don't get me wrong...I still believe in change and that we can make this country a better place, but I am so much more cynical and cautious. Four years ago I had taken a leave of absence from my job and moved to Nashville for 2 months to work on the Gore campaign. It was exciting and empowering...heady stuff. I remember spending most of the day calling radio stations and trying to get them to talk about the election abuses going on...people being turned away from the polls. I remember watching the results come in on election night and screaming with joy and whooping it up as we began to hear we had won key swing states like Michigan and Pennsylvania. There was joy and bonding in knowing we had all worked 15-hour days for weeks to make this happen. We hadn't slept in the past 2 days at all and were wired on caffeine. We had our passes to the victory party, and I had friends who had flown into Nashville to join me in the celebration. We thought we had won. Next thing I know something has happened...Florida is not ours...they're calling the election differently. Gore is about to concede. Everyone is either in a state of shock or in tears. This one woman (Candy), who has been heading up radio ops at the DNC forever, was sobbing. Wait...we're not conceding because something fishy is going on. A light of hope=more hugging. Looks like we're not going to the party but hanging by the TV at headquarters. We're there for hours. There is no resolution. We all role back to the apartment around 4 am. My poor friends have finally made it back there, too, after not having seen me all day. We all crash. The next day headquarters is like a ghost town. We're scheduled to leave in a couple of days, and we don't know what to do. I feel like a zombie...this feeling does not go away over the next couple of weeks. Lots of counting...lots of bickering...a court fight...asshole takes office.

And, if we thought it would be bad, we had no idea how bad he'd make it. So, you see, I just couldn't get excited or involved in this election. I couldn't find the hope within me to see that saner minds would prevail. I promise you this...I will spend the next four years fighting for something better, fighting for what's right, fighting for a new beginning. To quote Edward Abbey, "I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards."

Monday, November 01, 2004

Weekend Update

At the moment I feel pretty crappy because I'm caught the cold/flu thing that has been going around and am not happy about that. I'm noshing on breakfast right now, but I might as well be having gruel b/c it hurts to chew and everything tastes the same.

In Halloween news, the wings fell through (I, evidently, am a sucky wing maker), but I did color the hair blue. I ended up going as a Jesus Freak! (as in the christian band DC Talk's Jesus Freak). The inspiration came during church as I was searching for a way to legitimize having blue hair. I ended up tagging (for all of you down with the graffiti lingo out there) one of my skirts with things like 'Jesus rocks!' and 'God's girl'. While the hair was way to helmet-headish, I was pleased with the overall costume. If I can remember to bring my usb cable, I'll post pictures of everyone tomorrow.

In other weekend news, as Vivi says in Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, I completely 'dropped my basket' on Saturday. I just broke down at work and couldn't stop crying for a good 45 minutes. I can't even point to a specific incident. I'm guessing it was a combination of things. I've been working a LOT, and I'm sure there are repercussions from that. Plus, I get so angry at BN lazy people (customers and employees), and I hate being angry, so I needed relief from my anger. I've also been worrying about my family...and everything I should be doing and don't have time to do and don't know HOW I'm ever going to get it all done...all of this has just been building up, so I probably just needed to release some of that pressure. I feel better...still stressed but better.